


I'd Be Lying If I Didn't Say That I Miss Him Tonight

by im_your_bastard (mcr_rockstar), mcr_rockstar, Visceral_Kat



Category: Death Spells, Electric Century, Leathermouth, My Chemical Romance, Pencey Prep
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, F/M, Frottage, Light Bondage, Love Letters, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Rimming, Rough Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 09:26:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1852936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcr_rockstar/pseuds/im_your_bastard, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcr_rockstar/pseuds/mcr_rockstar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visceral_Kat/pseuds/Visceral_Kat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard and Frank always fought for what they wanted but in the end it all came crashing down. Can a few letters and meet ups bring them back together or will it just be another failed attempt?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd Be Lying If I Didn't Say That I Miss Him Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fiction. I'm happy to have the help of my beta and coauthor mcr_rockstar !

As Gerard Way sorted through the massive amount of fan mail that he'd picked up from Warner Brothers Records the day before, he mused about many things. The new Umbrella Academy graphic novel due at the printers, whether he should call his younger brother Mikey and invite him and his beautiful girlfriend Kristin to dinner, his daughter Bandit's impending first day in the first grade, and whether or not his coffee had gone cold again. Settling on the last and least distressing thought, he muttered to himself. 

"Why do I bother with this shit anymore", he said. "I never drink it all and..." 

The words died on his lips as he saw extremely familiar handwriting on an otherwise plain envelope. It couldn't be! They'd said they'd never speak again unless forced to! 

He snatched up the envelope quickly and scanned the front again, then moved to his office door, opened it, and listened. No sound came from the house. 'Lyn-Z must still be out with Bandit buying clothes and supplies for school' he thought. He shut the door and, to be safe, locked it. 

He stared at the letter in his hands and realized he was shaking. He swore under his breath and sat down at his desk. Taking a sip of his coffee, he grimaced; definitely cold. Popping a new K-cup into the coffee maker he stared at the envelope as the fresh cup brewed. 

"Why?" he thought. 

The coffee sputtered and spat, grinding the brewing process to a stop. He took the hot cup out and blew on it, then picked up the envelope, and sighed. "May as well." he thought, and ripped it open. He took a strong pull from the cup, unfolded the three pages, and began to read. 

"My Dearest Gerard, I miss you... more and more every day. I look back on the time we had together fondly. I wish we'd had so much more time. There are so many days in which my boring, humdrum life takes it's toll. I long for the beautiful days in far off places, and the sultry nights spent in your loving, passionate embrace. Everything we did was passionate. The way we loved, the way we played, even the way we fought. Perhaps if we had not fought so hard, we would have ended up together, instead of falling into others' arms. Perhaps... but there are too many perhaps. I wish we had stayed together. I miss you so much! Yes, I know I said that already, but it bears saying again. My life at home is ok, but it was so much more exciting with you! The fight that ended it all still upsets me. I admit that I went about telling you how I felt wrong. I wish I had listened to Mikey when he said that I shouldn't tell you. At least not right then. I regret so many things. I regret not being able to tell you goodbye properly. I regret not hugging you. I regret that our last true conversation was in anger, shouted rather than soft spoken. I regret waiting so long to write you this letter. I wish like hell that we hadn't broken up, but I should not have said such insulting things. I realize now, and have for some time, that you may have felt no recourse but to break us up. I'm so horribly sorry. I needed to at least write and tell you what I had to say. I could not send this letter through a third party so, as to save you perhaps, from an argument with your wife, I've sent it through Warner Brothers. It feels odd to write you like this. As though I am just another fan and not your former lover, but I know you will see it as you see all of your mail, and perhaps you will see your way to answer me. Please write. I'm afraid that if you call right away our argument may start afresh and... oh Gerard, I couldn't bear it! No more harsh words! I would die. Please just write. You have my address. Leave no return address, I beg you. I'm afraid they would not understand. Know that I love you; more now, I think, than even then. Know that I'm sorry. Sorry for the harsh words and the anxiety I caused you. Sorry for not being a better friend - for not understanding - for not listening - for asking you to choose. I will be waiting, Gerard, however futile it may be, for your answer. Forgive me, my love, my best friend. Write me and say that you do. I think I would wait forever for just one more kind word from you. 

Always, Always Yours, Frank"

When Gerard set the letter down, he swiped a hand over his face and was surprised to find it wet. He hadn't realized he'd been crying. Breaking up the band had killed him, but other things had been hurting worse. 

The constant bickering, the sad and angry looks, the pity; all those things made him so depressed he'd wanted to really die. Breaking up the band had been his only choice. How could he have kept it going? All the pressure from everyone had started making it hell. Especially the pressure from Frank. 

He'd thought they had a good arrangement, till it all went south. Sure they'd had a relationship for a few years before that first damn argument and subsequent fistfight, but, after they'd both gotten married, and he knew how much it'd hurt Frank when he'd married Lyn-Z, they'd realized that they were still attracted to each other, and made an arrangement. 

The buzz after shows was intense. A physical manifestation of the rush that thousands of people screaming their names was inevitable. The occasional onstage kiss and grinding was just making it worse. The arrangement was simple: after the show, they'd go somewhere for a quick fuck, blow or hand job, just to get rind of the excess energy before meeting with fans for signings, and meet and greets. It wouldn't have been good to meet a bunch of teenagers (and their parents) sporting major wood, would it? 

The deal was mutually beneficial and carried no strings. It just hadn't stayed that way. They should've known they couldn't NOT fall back in love... if they ever truly fell out. It was when Frank had started saying 'no' that Gerard had, had major problems. He'd figured Frank would get over it, that it'd only be a few shows and the sex would start up again. He'd forgotten Frank's legendary stubborn streak. 

After two months of not being able to calm down, even jerking off; of not being able to sleep, until the panic attacks had started to make him sick before the shows due to exhaustion, Gerard had done something stupid. He popped a couple milligrams of Xanax after a show to help himself wind down. It soon spiraled. 

A Xanax after the show had led to one before bed too. Then, one night when that didn't help, he had a beer from the mini bar in the hotel. By the time the tour had wound down, and they were in the studio to record their ill-fated fifth album that was in the works, he'd started drinking enough that he didn't make it to the studio some days. It'd all led up to that explosive fight with Frank. 

FLASHBACK 

Frank was sitting in the studio tuning his guitar when he heard a sound come from the hallway. He was sure everyone had left so it struck him odd. He shrugged and decided that maybe someone forgot something and came back to get it. 

He started strumming his guitar again when he heard a thud. He turned to see Gerard standing at the door with sunglasses on and looking slightly disheveled. Frank sighed and shook his head. He knew Gerard wasn't sober and that angered him. 

He turned back to his guitar and decided to ignore Gerard. He started strumming his guitar again and it wasn't until Gerard came and sat right in front of Frank that Frank started losing his cool. He looked at Gerard while sitting his guitar down. 

"Why did you even bother coming? No one is here but me. Then you show up like this !?" 

Frank noticed his voice raised but he didn't care. Gerard had a lot of nerve. 

"What do you mean by that?! I showed up didn't I?" Gerard slurs. 

He's a little loose around the edges but he hasn't had that much to drink, he doesn't think. Why is Frank yelling at him? 

"Why are you the only one here?" 

Frank narrowed his eyes at Gerard. 

"Because unlike you I actually still care about our music!" 

"WHO THE FUCK SAYS I DON'T CARE?! I JUST HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS!! WHY ARE YOU JUMPING DOWN MY FUCKING THROAT?!" 

Gerard is shouting but it's all Frank's fault, in his mind, that he started drinking again anyway. Where does Frank get off yelling at him? If he hadn't cut Gerard off everything would've been fine! Gerard is shaking so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small prescription bottle, opens it, and pops a Xanax into his mouth, swallowing it dry. 

Frank stands up and snatches the pill bottle from his hand and throws it across the studio. Gerard had clearly lost his mind to be doing it directly in front of his face. 

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D THINK I'D LET YOU GET AWAY WITH THAT SHIT IN FRONT OF MY FACE! YOU HAVE FUCKING BALLS! WHY WOULD YOU EVER START THIS SHIT AGAIN!?" 

Gerard is suddenly furious beyond belief. 

"WHY? WHY?! THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT YOU FUCKING PRICK!! YOU FUCKING CUT ME OFF!! I HAVE FUCKING BALLS?? WHERE THE FUCK DOES IT SAY THAT YOU'RE MY FUCKING KEEPER?? IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A FUCKING ASSHOLE I WOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS!! I COULDN'T FUCKING SLEEP WITHOUT YOU!! COULDN'T CALM DOWN AT ALL AFTER THE SHOWS!! THIS IS YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!" 

Frank's eyes widened at what Gerard said. 

"SO WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO GERARD!? KEEP LETTING YOU HURT ME!? BEING WITH YOU BUT NOT OFFICIALLY WAS KILLING ME, OKAY!? IT HURT THAT YOU COULDN'T BE MORE THAN JUST A QUICK FUCK! IT HURT THAT THAT'S ALL YOU WANTED FROM ME! I THOUGHT WE WERE MORE THAN THAT! I DESERVED MORE THAN THAT! WE DESERVED MORE THAN THAT!" 

Frank walked up to Gerard and grabbed him by both his arms. Not to hurt him but to make sure Gerard understood what he was saying. 

"You're stronger than this! You worked too hard to throw it all away! What you're doing to yourself right now damn sure isn't gonna make me want you! Why would I want someone this weak? HUH!? WHY!?" 

Frank was yelling again and shook Gerard. Gerard starts to tear up. He throws Frank's hands off of him and screams. 

"YOU WERE NEVER JUST A QUICK FUCK YOU ASS! I LOVED YOU AND YOU LEFT ME HIGH AND DRY!!" 

Gerard starts crying in earnest now. He can't stop and it makes his chest tighten, a panic attack threatening despite the two milligrams of Xanax and half a bottle of Jack he's consumed. 

"I wanted you ! I always did! I never wanted anything else, not really. Then you went and CUT ME OFF!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY I LOVE YOU?!" 

Gerard is having trouble breathing, the panic hitting him hard. He can't lose Frank, not now, but he's so mad he can't see straight. 

"I'M WEAK?! WEAK?!!! YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT! I DON'T WANT THIS! I HATE BEING LIKE THIS! ALL I WANT IS YOU!! I WISH ALL THIS SHIT NEVER HAPPENED!!" 

Frank goes wide eyed and gapes at Gerard in shock. 

"So you wish we never happened?" 

Frank's voice softened and he was close to tears. You could hear it in his voice. 

"I didn't say that! That's not what I meant! I meant that I wish we'd never fought in the first place! You're so fucking stubborn Frank! You always have to have your way!!" 

Gerard is gasping for breath. He feels like he's dying. He can't lose Frank. He starts to beg. 

"Please Frank, you have to understand!! Please?! After I married Lyn-Z, I thought I'd be fine without you but I wasn't .. I need you Frankie! You can't possibly believe that I don't! I love you so much it's killing me not to be with you! This is the only way I can function now! Please, please , you have to take me back!! PLEASE!!!" 

Gerard is sobbing so hard his voice sounds rough. He's trying so hard to get Frank to understand, but just by looking at Frank, he knows he'll be rejected again. 'I need my pills' he thinks. 

"Gerard... I love you more than i love myself..." 

Tears finally start to fall from Frank's eyes. 

"...but we can't do this. I can't have you like this. You left me... for her. You gave us up and only came back because you realized your mistake. Well, I gave you a second chance, and that was killing me. It's obvious this isn't healthy for us. You should've just left things as they were Gerard. You shouldn't have broken us. Now that was your fault." 

Frank sat down sadly and sobbed quietly to himself. Everything they built had come falling down and there was no way to fix this. He knew they were over. Gerard gapes at Frank. He couldn't believe what Frank was saying! They were great for each other! 

When Frank was with him, Gerard felt like he could take on the world! But if Frank thought that they were a mistake... no, no they weren't a mistake. It might kill him but he thought to himself, 'Maybe we just need some space.' He tried again. 

"Frankie, I love you so much.. I'll tell you what, why don't we all take a break? I'll sober up, I swear it! Just give me a couple of months? I love you and I don't want to lose you. We were good for each other. We can be again. Don't leave me! Let's just take a break, all of us, and I'll get better! I swear I can be strong again! I need you! I need my best friend! I need my Frankie! Don't break us up!! I'll call the guys, and tell them we'll take a break, and then we'll finish the album, and go back on the road, and everything will be fine! Please Frankie? Please!?" 

Gerard thinks that maybe he and Frank will be ok if only Frank will give him just a little time. Time to sober up and calm down. The look on Frank's face is something he tries to ignore. It says that Frank may give him a break, but that he won't take Gerard back, ever. 

"We can save the band Gerard... but I don't think we can make it. I'm so sorry. I love you and I'll always be your best friend. Somewhere deep in my heart I know I'll always be yours in a way only you've been able to have me... but we can't ever be again." 

Gerard crumbles visibly. He can't believe that Frank would reject him again. He stares at Frank for a moment and then says. 

"I can't believe that Frank. I know you do right now, but I hope you won't always feel that way. I really do love you and I always will. If I can still have you as a friend for now, then it'll have to do, but I won't stop trying to get you back. I can't. I'll sober up and we'll take from there, ok?" 

He looks at Frank hopefully. Frank stared at Gerard. He knew that Gerard meant what he was saying but Gerard always changed his thinking. That's how they ended up here. Gerard wanted Frank and everything was fine. Then out of nowhere he married Lyn-Z and that killed Frank. Then all of a sudden Gerard wanted Frank back. 

He knew it wouldn't be long before Gerard was changing his mind again. He didn't know when and how but he knew things would change for the worse. Frank nodded weakly at Gerard and sighed. 

"Okay Gee..." 

Frank stood up and walked over to Gerard. He hugged him tightly. 

"I love you Gerard. Always have and always will. No matter what." 

Frank knew that when he said 'no matter what' it was because he knew they'd never be again. Gerard watched Frank put his guitar away and walk out. He sniffles and picks up the phone to make the call to Mikey and Ray to tell them about the break. He would have Frank again. He's never wanted anyone more than he wants Frank. Not even Lyn-Z. 

(Time Passes)

The guys agree to the break and Gerard sobers up, but the whole time he thinks about how he'd begged Frank and Frank had shot him down. He feels so ashamed that bringing the band back together is just something he doesn't want to think about. He puts it off for a month after he sobers up, but in the end, he calls up the guys and tells them that there is no more My Chemical Romance. Telling Frank was the hardest thing he'd ever done, but it was for the best, he thought. That era of their lives was over. 

END FLASHBACK 

The short missive to the fans had caused anger and resentment, so Gerard had written a longer letter to the Twitter followers blaming his anxiety and him "not feeling it anymore". He and Frank had only seen each other once for any length of time at all since, at a Make A Wish event for a young girl. It hadn't been pleasant for either of them, although they'd hid it fairly well. 

For Frank to finally write him, for him to apologize, was a weight lifted! Gerard realized that the tears streaming down his face weren't misery, they were tears of joy. To finally have his Frankie back would be wonderful. 

Gerard re-read the letter twice more, then grabbed a notebook and a pen. He had a letter to write. After all, it wasn't all Frank's fault. He had to tell Frank.


End file.
